My War

War is in our life.  It has affected everyone who has ever lived directly or indirectly.  There is no escaping its grasp... at least not the way we live now.  I myself do not believe in war.  Is that to say that I wont fight?  I probably would fight if I was called to do so and I saw no other way.  The key phrase being no other way.  I know that there are many examples of people who have fought that were good men.  Men like Moroni, Mormon, Ammon, Washington, and etc.  But they fought because they saw no other way.  And there is a key difference in these men then there are in everyone else.  They abhor wickedness.  They never wanted to fight, but they were dragged into it by their countries and the enemies countries.  I myself am not that good of a man.  I cannot deny that I get a "high" from the fight.  I do get feelings that I crave after.  I cannot help myself from doing so.  I am not as good a man as then men listed above, but unlike them I believe I have a choice in to fight or not to fight.  I have but one example of the harmful effects of war among many examples of how war is necessary.  In the Book of Mormon they have many many wars.  They fight and fight and fight.  It usually ends that the righteous people win the war and they are saved by the Lord their Redeemer, but that never saves them from another fight.  The people who would have destruction and war always come back and threaten the righteous, and if there is no one to bring destruction the righteous turn to themselves to supply the destruction and war.  The fighting never ceases in the stories.  They fight and fight and fight.  Most of the time the righteous do it for good.  They show that you can fight and remain with God.  I do not deny that.  However the fighting never ceases.  No one stops the fighting for good no matter how many people they kill.  The two nations that are written about in the Book of Mormon are the Jaradites and the Nephite/Lamanite nations.  Their wars continue and continue throughout the Book of Mormon.  The only way that we see the fighting to end in these nations is for everyone to die.  If we follow the examples of these two nations and never put an end to the bloodshed ,whether we are righteous or not, the inevitable outcome will surely come to pass and we will all perish.  We cannot let this happen again and agian as proven in history.  We must find some other way to "fight" wickedness.  We must or there is no hope of a better world.  No hope of a world where in we can dwell in peace with our God.

The examples I have given are ones based on my religion and therefore are subjective to what I believe.  The way I wrote is also poor, please see past that to the point of my entry.

Break Free

A journal entry dated March 3rd 2008---

Everytime I look back at my journal I see how much I've changes and what is different about me.  I want to learn and grow and live a fulfilled meaningful life.  I want to get married in the temple after a succesfull mission.  I want to go to college.  But I really dont know what I want to do after all this.  I was talking to Ariel (which happens every sunday) on the phone and she knows what she wants to do.  She knows so much about herself. I dont even know what I want to be when I grow up.  My thoughts are so discombobulated.  They have no order no plan they are random and sparatic and go in so many directions my concieous being had too hard of a time following the one that is best for me.  I do beleive I have discovered the correct path part way but even that has confined spaces with so many door always opening and closing.  But I have decided I need to learn about people and why and what they do.  I need to learn so many things that I dont know where to start.  So I have decided to simply start and take it from there.  You can see my handwriting changing from line to line.  I think it has something to do with my indecisiveness.  All I want is to be a great and wise person.  Is that a selfish request that will drag me down?  There are so many things going on that I don't know what I am going to do, because of all this I dont do anything.  I mean I do things but nothing of true significance.  Where is my brain taking me.  Where am I headed.  I almost wish that there was one river going one direction and I was in the middle on a boat, having no control but just flowing with everything below me.  But I fear If I was to let this happen then that river would inevitably turn into a water fall and I would fall to my impending doom.  What I need to do is fight the river flowing in one direction fight it with all my might and strength.  Get to the land and off the river and from this point create my own path.  My own means to the end.  One that will take me to the furthest reaches of my own ability.  A path so greatly diverse and unique that everything is new and amazing, everything is new and amazing, everything challenging yet atainable.  I need to break free of the worlds uniform slothfullness and willingness to accept and create my own way and own life my own everything.  But what should I do to begin this unmarked journey?  Sometimes I dream that I will be this great person that everyone will know and everyone will admire and look towards.  How do I become that man?  How do I become the man God put me on his earth to become.  How do I control all my emotions and desires and set them aside to become this person?  I really must know soon or all is lost.  All my thinking, all my trying, all of me  will be useless and meaningless unless I find that Kendall waiting to break free and take charge of who I am.  This person whom I know is down there waiting for his chance to shine, his chance to be seen and heard.  I see him everyonce in a while.  I see him come through to show me what is down there inside of me.  The courage that is waiting to break free and shape and form me to this great being.  I need to somehow reach down and find this relentless lion and let him go.

--

--

This is the exact way that I wrote in my journal.  It has all of the errors that were originally there.  There is a truth to originality, that I try to keep.  Everything isn't relevant, but I think that it all needs to be here.  It is still relevant to my life.

Whitney put me in a "Red" mood because of her songs.

"Peices"

I'm here again

A thousand miles away from you 
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own 
I've lost so much along the way 

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours 
I find everything I thought I lost before 
You call my name 
I come to you in pieces 
So you can make me whole

I've come undone 
But you make sense of who I am 
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours 
I find everything I thought I lost before 
You call my name 
I come to you in pieces 
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours 
I find everything I thought I lost before 
You call my name 
I come to you in pieces 
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

"Already Over"

You never go
Your always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away 
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you 
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall 
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly 

I'd give it all to you 
Letting go of me 
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now!

You're all I'm reaching for 
It's already over 
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you 
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over

"Break Me Down"

A long day alone
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find

Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes

I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]

Break me

"Gave It All Away"

You're here, trembling with fear
You made it clear
You turned your back and now you've gone astray 
Nothing left to say 
What's standing in your way?
You had the chance to never walk alone

But you gave it all away
When I needed you to stay 
Just open up your arms I need you here 
I can do this on my own 
I got nothing left to show 
Open up your arms I need you here!

Again, lying in your bed
Nightmares is in your head 
Facing all that you just threw away 
At the edge again
It's coming to an end 
You had the chance to never walk alone

But you gave it all away
When I needed you to stay 
Just open up your arms I need you here 
I can do this on my own 
I got nothing left to show 
Open up your arms I need you
I need you, here! Here!
I need you, here! Here!

You gave it all away
I needed you to stay 
Open up your arms I need you 

I can do this on my own
I got nothing left to show
Open up your arms I need you here
But you gave it all away
When I needed you to stay 
Just open up your arms I need you here 
I can do this on my own
I got nothing left to show
Open up your arms I need you here!

"Hide"

Waste away 
I'm crawling blind
Hollowed by what I left inside 
For you, just you 
I'm caught in place
But I ignore what I can't erase 

I will run and hide till memories fade away
And I will leave behind a love so strong

Close my eyes theses voices say 
Haunting me, I can't escape 
For you, just you 
Time will always wait 
While I throw away what I can't replace

I will run and hide till memories fade away 
And I will leave behind a love so strong [x2]

I will run and hide!
And I will leave behind!

I will run and hide till memories fade away 
And I will leave behind a love so strong!

---------------------------------------------

Thats all folks.  Dont take the lyrics to literal.  They are a bit deppressing but I think that they are real and thats why they appeal to me.

How It Ends

Hold your grandmother's bible to your breast

Gonna put it to the test

You wanted it to be blessed

And in your heart 

You know it to be true

You know what you gotta do

They all depend on you

And you already know

Yet you already know

How this will end

There is no escape

From the slave catcher's songs

For all of the loved ones gone

Forever's not so long

And in your soul

They poked a million holes

But you never let them show

Come on its time to go

And you already know

Yet you already know

How this will end

Now you've seen his face

And you know that there's a place in the sun

For all that you've done

For you and your children

No longer shall you need

You always wanted to believe

Just ask and you'll receive

Beyond your wildest dreams

And you already know

Yet you already know

How this will end

You already know 

You already know 

You already know

How this will end

Wasteland

Change my attempt good intentions

Crouched over

You were not there

Living in fear

But signs were not really that scarce

Obvious tears

But I will not

Hide you through this

I want you to help them

And please see

The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

-

Die, withdraw

Hide in cold sweat

Quivering lips

Ignore remorse

Naming a kid, living wasteland

This time you've tried

All that you can turning you red

-

Change my attempt good intentions

Should I, could I

Here we are with your obsession

Should I, could I

-

Crowned hopeless

The article read living wasteland

This time you've tried

All that you can turning you red but I will not

Hide you through this

I want you to help

-

Change my attempt good intentions

Should I, could I

-

Here we are with your obsession

Should I, could I

-

Heave the silver hollow sliver

Piercing through another victim

Turn and tremble be judgmental

Ignorant to all the symbols

Blind the face with beauty paste

Eventually you'll one day know

-

Change my attempt good intentions

Limbs tied, skin tight

Self inflicted his perdition

-

Should I, could I

Change my attempt good intentions

Should I, could I

Should I, could I

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Self inflicted his perdition. Should I, Could I?

Endless Night

Where has the starlight gone?

Dark is the day

How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream

Lost to the night

Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there

Whenever I needed you

Whenever I call your name

You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on

Just waiting to hear your voice

One word, just a word will do

To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break

Oh endless night

Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side

Guiding my path

Father, I can't find the way

You promised you'd be there

Whenever I needed you

Whenever I call your name

You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on

Just waiting to hear your voice

One word, just a word will do

To end this nightmare

I know that the night must end

And that the sun will rise

And that the sun will rise

I know that the clouds must clear

And that the sun will shine

And that the sun will shine

I know that the night must end

And that the sun will rise

And that the sun will rise

I know that the clouds must clear

And that the sun will shine

And that the sun will shine

I knowYes, I know

The sun will rise

Yes, I knowI know

The clouds must clear

I know that the night must end

I know that the sun will rise

And I'll hear your voice deep inside

I know that the night must end

And that the clouds must clear

The sun

The sun will rise

The sun

The sun will rise

---

When?

...

I don't know what I am going to put down today. Hence the absence of a real title, but I feel like writing because I have an interesting feeling in my chest that wont seem to dissipate. Well I cant think of anything that I wouldn't be embarrassed to put down, so I guess this is the extent of this blog.