A song

My feet they are so sore, and my limbs they are weary;

Long is the way, and the mountains are wild;

Soon will the twilight close the moonless and dreary

Over the path of the poor orphan child.

-

Why did they send me so far and so lonely,

Up where the moors spread and gray rocks are piled?

Men are hard-hearted, and kind angels only

Watch o'er the steps of a poor orphan child.

-

Yet distant and soft the night breeze is blowing,

Clouds there are none, and clear stars beam mild;

God, in his mercy, protection is showing,

Comfort and hope to the poor orphan child.

-

Even should I fall o'er the broken bridge passing,

Or stray in the marshes, by false lights beguiled

Still will my father, with promise and blessing,

Take to his bosom the poor orphan child.

-

There is a thought that for strength should avail me,

Though both the shelter and kindred despoiled;

Heaven is a home, and a rest will not fail me;

God is a friend to the poor orphan child.

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I really enjoy the lyrics to this song. I found it while I was reading and decided that it needed to be shared. My favorite are the last three stanzas, but that is obvious. I still really like them. They are how I feel at times. I feel like a lost orphan child, but I find hope in the distance where the clouds are cleared and the stars shine. I know I will get lost and follow false lights and false truth, but god in mercy will take me to his bosom. And in heaven will I reast and God as my friend I will find peace. How then can I despair? How can I lose faith, when my Father guides and loves me? "I cannot, I will not desert to his foes."

Hmmm.

Maybe all I need is Independence.  What I need is to need to take care of myself.  All of my life I have been taken care of.  I have been given what I need.  I have been given what I want.  I think that this has caused weakness.  I have been weakened by my independence on others.  It has taken my drive to achieve my goals.  Why this has happened to me I know not.  I do not know why others can keep their will while I lose mine, but I have and I need to gain it back.  Independence is the only way that I can see to gain back my will and drive.  I am afraid.

Hope

This whole time that I have... well as long as I can remember I have felt that I haven't been living up to my potential.  I felt that there was something that was missing.  I understand that everyone has something that is wrong with them.  Well maybe not necessarily wrong with them, but some trial, some problem that is holding them back from complete self awareness.  I have a discovered something while reading.  I have discovered that what I am lacking is hope.  I decided that I was lost, and that I was not going to be able to change for the better.  This is false.  Every time that I feel I am not good enough or that I am not doing good for someone else it makes me want to be that much better.  This want has become the driving force in my life.  The desire to make myself better than I thought possible.  I still feel that I am missing something that I have much left to grow, and I do.  We all do.  But there is a step that takes closer.  That step is the knowledge of what is wrong and the courage and will to try and change that.  This truth is what I have been lacking.  I have not felt that I was going in the right direction, but I was and still am.  Any improvement is enough, no matter how small.  Someone very far away from the right place but going in the right direction is in better position than someone very close to the right place but facing the wrong direction.  I just had to turn around and see the right place.  I have taken the first step in my long never ending journey.  A small step, but a step all the same.

Hmmmm....

I do not really know what I am going to write about, but I feel that there is something that needs to be put down, or I am going to explode. I am a very lucky young man. I have parents who love me and would do anything if they thought it was for my good. I have siblings who care for me and like to talk with me. I have friends who would give me anything I need in a time of crisis. I have an amazing, wonderful daughter of God who loves me and cares about me. I have no hindrances in my life that would keep me from doing anything I set my mind too. I have a brain that can understand and interpret things quite well. I am part of a gospel that leads me to do the right things and guide me in any trials that I face. Most important of all I have a Father in Heaven that loves me and would do anything for my good if I ask. Through all this I still find myself lost. I find that I have no self awareness regarding my inner desires and needs. I cannot trust myself to be strong enough to face the demons that come. I am lacking something that will bring me peace. I am lacking will. However, I see my potential. I see that though the path right now is a dark and mysty one, I will find the light. I will be able to find who I am and find what I am to do. I will grow and learn. I know that. But sometimes when the dark creeps in and the shadows take hold, I all but lose hope.

A Man

I once told someone I care deeply for, what I believe a man should be. What being a man is. I told her that a man is someone who can forgo all their wants and needs for the help and betterment of others. Someone who will give it their all to do the right thing. Why is it so hard to achieve that? Why are things so overpowering that I cannot be the Man I want to be. I will be that someday. I know I will be, but right now it seems that there is nothing but my selfishness guiding my actions.

What I have to do.

I know what I have to do. I understand that I have failed in aspects of my life, but I see now what needs to happen. I see what I must do to be who I need to be. I just pray that I have the courage and strength to accomplish this task set before me.

The End

I stand upon a stone so cool
I hear the rushing of revers so deep
It stops, reverse and now a pool
Dragged to the bottomless to sleep
Struggles cease as the darkness kreeps in
The pain thats caused no one can mend
This darkest deepest for that the sin
I cannot win... this is the end.

The Mouse and the Tank

The moving mouse grows and goes
The still tank knows and shows
It moves learns and understands
It knows and breaks through all the bands
Through the mirky sheet of sleet
Through the pain and guess of unkown street
The growth flows and grows in a flash
The turn thats fatal makes it crash

The Bees and the Wasp

As I've been walking I have come upon some bee hives. Most of the bees let me be. They do not bug me. They pretty much ignore me, but sometimes I get bored and stir the bees a little. I choose some and cause them to recognize me. Of course they sting me, they usually leave a stinger and die, and then the poison spreads through my body for a time. I then pluck out the stinger and the poison slowly but surely dies. I have become accustomed to this. I am used to it. Used to the short time period that it lasts. I am even used to the poison that spreads but always dies. Then I came across something different. Something that has never been. I came across a wasp. Stronger faster and more deadly then any five bees. It stung me once. I was used to this. It didn't shock me how the poison felt as it traveled through my system, but then I got stung, again, by the same creature. The poison didn't stop. It started to spread through my whole system. This wasp stuck with me, stinging again and again, relentless. The pain began to become a constant, something that I had to deal with at all times. To my surprise I began to need the poison. To need that insistent wasp. I became reliant on it, the poison supplied by that wasp. The poison ceased to be poison and became a life line. It had spread and now is part of me. I have become consumed.

?

I fail to understand myself. To understand feeling in general. They come from somewhere for some purpose, but this purpose seems to elude me. For the most part I feel inferior to those around me. I cannot do a great many things well. I have yet to see the purpose in my existence. The feeling of inferiority comes from a place that dreams of being the best in all that I do. A lofty goal that could be said as being quite impossible. Even so, the need to be the best is a very strong and pressing need. Not the best in everything because that is frankly impossible and would be a waste of time to try and achieve, but the best in the things that I care about. Passion causes an inferiority complex when others are more fit with that passion. When others are better or more knowledgeable about your passion. When others passion exceeds mine or their ability to use that passion to better themselves, then I grow jealous of that ability. What feelings come for what purpose? What purpose?

Paladin

Defender of faith. Protector. Is this something to strive for. Is this something to become, or will ambition claim us and turn us into something destructively different. I try to do whats right. I do what I can. But I find myself yearning for more. Yearning for a purpose bigger than my next grade, bigger than what happens tomorrow or the next day, bigger than all that has been my life. Is this why I feel stuck? Do others feel this way? I ask myself these questions to judge my sanity. Am I so unique that what I feel what I think is not thought or felt by another? Or am I just blowing smoke and disillusioned into believing that I am more, that I have a vast cavern that has yet to be tapped? I believe I do. I believe we all do. Yet, something is holding us back. Our creatures inside that rip and burn all that we can become. There are few who are all that they can be, and yet even they grow and learn everyday. Where am I stuck? What is holding me back? What demon inside breaks the bond that will cause me to will myself better. To will myself into being a Paladin. A defender of faith. A protector.

Endure

I was sucked in by people who... have power over some decisions of mine. I am not sure what I am going to write about. I suppose that I will write what comes when it comes, but I guess that is a given. Bear in mind that what I write may not make sense but it always will have a meaning.