Everytime I look back at my journal I see how much I've changes and what is different about me. I want to learn and grow and live a fulfilled meaningful life. I want to get married in the temple after a succesfull mission. I want to go to college. But I really dont know what I want to do after all this. I was talking to Ariel (which happens every sunday) on the phone and she knows what she wants to do. She knows so much about herself. I dont even know what I want to be when I grow up. My thoughts are so discombobulated. They have no order no plan they are random and sparatic and go in so many directions my concieous being had too hard of a time following the one that is best for me. I do beleive I have discovered the correct path part way but even that has confined spaces with so many door always opening and closing. But I have decided I need to learn about people and why and what they do. I need to learn so many things that I dont know where to start. So I have decided to simply start and take it from there. You can see my handwriting changing from line to line. I think it has something to do with my indecisiveness. All I want is to be a great and wise person. Is that a selfish request that will drag me down? There are so many things going on that I don't know what I am going to do, because of all this I dont do anything. I mean I do things but nothing of true significance. Where is my brain taking me. Where am I headed. I almost wish that there was one river going one direction and I was in the middle on a boat, having no control but just flowing with everything below me. But I fear If I was to let this happen then that river would inevitably turn into a water fall and I would fall to my impending doom. What I need to do is fight the river flowing in one direction fight it with all my might and strength. Get to the land and off the river and from this point create my own path. My own means to the end. One that will take me to the furthest reaches of my own ability. A path so greatly diverse and unique that everything is new and amazing, everything is new and amazing, everything challenging yet atainable. I need to break free of the worlds uniform slothfullness and willingness to accept and create my own way and own life my own everything. But what should I do to begin this unmarked journey? Sometimes I dream that I will be this great person that everyone will know and everyone will admire and look towards. How do I become that man? How do I become the man God put me on his earth to become. How do I control all my emotions and desires and set them aside to become this person? I really must know soon or all is lost. All my thinking, all my trying, all of me will be useless and meaningless unless I find that Kendall waiting to break free and take charge of who I am. This person whom I know is down there waiting for his chance to shine, his chance to be seen and heard. I see him everyonce in a while. I see him come through to show me what is down there inside of me. The courage that is waiting to break free and shape and form me to this great being. I need to somehow reach down and find this relentless lion and let him go.
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This is the exact way that I wrote in my journal. It has all of the errors that were originally there. There is a truth to originality, that I try to keep. Everything isn't relevant, but I think that it all needs to be here. It is still relevant to my life.
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