Her

The winds are howling smashing against his walls.  The relentless onslaught of power from the depths fight and fight.  He hears the strength of the battle.  He knows the power of that wind only because he began to fight.  Before.  Before when he let it take him there was no lasting struggle.  There was only his breath.  There was only himself and no other.  Everything was different.  He knew where the wind would take him.  He had seen it in his dreams.  They go back to the depth from where they came.  He knew the death they bring.  Still he let them take him.  He forgot the future and lived only the present.  The quiet alone present.  Then he saw, he saw the reason he had to fight.  The reason he had to grab and hold on.  The reason to battle the depths that so greedily grabbed at him.  He saw her.  Her tragic beautiful figure standing, a fighter.  He knew he needed to fight for her.  To struggle against all that would take him.  To be near her he would have to hold fast against the black tempest.  He fought and fought.  He began to fear he couldn't do it.  He couldn't hold on to that chaste ground.  Then he felt her.  Her reverent hand on his face.  Holding him.  Her strength seeping into his exhausted body.  He knew he could do it.  He could win the war against the storm.  He felt the wind begin to cease its hold on him.  He looked up and saw his barrier.  The wall she had made for him to keep out the storm.  He let his hold slacken on the ground.  He felt her warmth feel him with love.  He knew he could do it.  He felt hope.  He looked into her eyes and saw all that he could be.  She leaned in and whispered "I will always love you".  He did not know why she had chosen him.  Why her love was given to him but he didn't need to.  She was his home when he needed one.  The winds are still heard beating themselves in a useless stuggle to take him, but she defends him.

Through The Iris - 10 Years

Cherish
Two circular views of blue with a grey shade
So captivating
More than you know

False perceptions
That brought forth these questions of
Truth, love and hope
now that you're injuring
I carry you with me just
Please hold on

Dissapear and dissolve
A weakening wall
Will one day fall
It's wise to sever our loss
I redefine pulse
Through your iris

Love's not all lost
But its raised to my cross
And crucified all that I've held on
To be awaiting
Anticipating a touch such as yours

False affection
A spawn of neglecting
A love, lust, hoax
Please understand me
That now where you're standing
Is closer then i'd hoped

Your iris
Your iris

Dissapear and dissolve
A weakening wall
Will one day fall
It's wise to sever our loss
I redefine pulse
A new iris

My love language

Here is my chart.  Obviously I am a touchy person.  

Your Detailed Results:
Physical Touch:	12
Quality Time:	8
Words of Affirmation:	7
Acts of Service:	3
Receiving Gifts:	0

Love

When you love someone you want to do anything you can for them.  You want to comfort them and make everything wrong right.  You want all of their pain to go away, and you want all the bad things disappear.  When you love someone you would do anything to make that happen.  You would go to hell and back to ease their pain.  There is one problem with that... it will weaken them.  We are all meant to have trials and pain in our life.  It is the natural order of things.  Without pain and tials we could not exist the same way that we do now.   Frankly there would be no point in living.  We would never get stronger then when we were born, but how doe we love someone and not descend to their level when they are in pain?  How do we not hurt when they hurt?  How do we not desire to fix their problems for them and do all we can to ease their burden?  I am not sure how to do this.  I am not sure this is what needs to be done.  I do know that we need to keep loving them no matter what.  We need to show them that we love them any way we can.  Let them know that we care and that we would do anything for them.  This is not as easily done as said.  We are human.  We make mystakes that are hard to fix.  We cant always be the best for someone else.  There are times that we will do something that needs forgiveness.  Times when we forget how we feel and get angry or mad or annoyed.  After these times are the times that we desire to fix what we have done.  To do more that fix that but to fix everything that they hurt about, but we cant do that.  To try and fix someones problem is to weeken them.  To cause them to see helplessness in themselves.  All we can do is trust the other person, the person we love, to forgive us of our shortcomings and to do what they need to the help themselves.  We need to only love them and be there with them in their dark times.  More than this will drag both down.  I need to show my love at a higher level.  Not at the level where I hurt at there pain but at a level where I will love at there pain.  Show that love can cure all heart ache and all trials.  Love.

I know this blogg is all over the place but I wrote it as it came.   

Life

In the deepest darkest reaches of my soul I find myself
I understand the truths that reach out and destroy
When I feel I feel the depth of all that binds me
I know all the pain and all the hate
I take it for myself I make it my own
I try to kill it try to throw back to the hell where it came
But hell spits upon me the blackness
There is no end it seems
The darkness sets in and holds
The light that once was is not
The only retaliation is emptiness
Emptiness from all
From the earth from the death
From the earth from the life
Gone are the feelings of a life passed
Gone the darkness that was
Gone the life that should be
Gone
.............
Life comes to those who ask
Life comes when death has failed
Life has the power to find
Comes the light that lost
Comes the life from the past
Comes the feelings of before
Love comes to those who ask
Love is there in the end
It finds those who need it most
I have found some love to hold
I have discovered the past that had run
I love one who found
Comes the light that she brings


I don't know what this was it just came out when I felt like blogging. I apologize for the... inadequate way I speak but its mine so take it as it is.

Ruled by Secrecy

repress and restrain 
still the pressure and the pain 
wash the blood off your hands 
this time she won't understand 

change in the air 
and they'll hide everywhere 
and no one knows who's in control 

you're working so hard 
and you're never in charge 
your death creates success 
and you'll build and suppress 

change in the air 
and they'll hide everywhere 
and no one knows who's in control 

change in the air 
and they'll hide everywhere 
and no one knows who's in control 

Sing for Absolution

Lips are turning blue 
A kiss that can't renew 
I only dream of you 
My beautiful 

Tip toe to your room 
A starlight in the gloom 
I only dream of you 
And you never knew 

Sing for absolution 
I will be singing 
And falling from your grace 
ooh 

There's nowhere left to hide 
In no one to confide 
The truth burns deep inside 
And will never die 

Lips are turning blue 
A kiss that can't renew 
I only dream of you 
My beautiful 

Sing for absolution 
I will be singing 
Falling from your grace 

Sing for absolution 
I will be singing 
Falling from your grace 

yeah 

Broken Windows

In inner cities, some buildings are beautiful and clean, while others are rotting hulks. Why? Researchers in the field of crime and urban decay discovered a fascinating trigger mechanism, one that very quickly turns a clean, intact, inhabited building into a smashed and abandoned derelict: a broken window.

A broken window.

One broken window, left unrepaired for any substantial length of time, instills in the inhabitants of the building a sense of abandonment—a sense that the powers that be don't care about the building. So another window gets broken. People start littering. Graffiti appears. Serious structural damage begins. In a relatively short space of time, the building becomes damaged beyond the owner's desire to fix it. and the sense of abandonment becomes reality.

The "Broken Window Theory" has inspired police departments in New York and other major cities to crack down on the small stuff in order to keep out the big stuff. It works: keeping on top of broken windows, graffiti, and other small infractions has reduced the serious crime level.

Don't leave "broken windows" unrepaired. Fix each one as soon as it is discovered.

Sources:

Pragmatic Programmer, p4-5

The Police and Neighborhood Saftey, The Atlantic Monthly, March 1982, James Q. Wilson and George Kelling

I really liked this. I thought about it and decided to adopt the idea and to fix all my "broken windows" as soon as I could. I suggest we all follow this set of thinking and never let anything go unfixed for too long, otherwise we might end up with an "old abandoned building" when all we needed to fix was a "broken window".

The Hills

Walking up the hill tonight 
and you have closed your eyes
I wish I didn't have to make
all those mistakes and be wise
Please try to be patient 
and know that I'm still learning
I'm sorry that you have to see 
the strength inside me burning

Where are you my angel now 
don't you see me crying?
And I know that you can't do it all 
but you can't say I'm not trying
I'm on my knees in front of her 
but she doesn't seem to see me
But all her troubles on her mind
she's looking right through me
And I'm letting myself down 
beside this fire in you
And I wish that you could see 
that half my troubles too

Looking at you sleeping 
I'm sitting here weeping 
while the hours pass so slow
And I know that in the morning 
I'll have to let you go
And you'll be just a woman 
once I used to know
And for these past few days 
someone I don't recognise
This isn't all my fault 
when will you realise

Looking at you leaving, I'm looking for a sign

The End

On a rusty iron throne
In the farthest bounds of space,
I saw Satan sit alone
Old and haggard was his face
For his work was done, and he
Rested in eternity.
Down to him from the sun
Came his Brother and his Friend,
Saying, "Now the work is done,
Enmity is at an end."
And he guided Satan to
Paradises that he knew.
Uriel without a frown,
Gabriel come winging down
Welcoming their ancient peer.
And they seated him beside
One who had been crucifies.

?

Whats so wrong with wanting life?  Why instead of help do we have to fight?  Why must we kill instead of save?  What in our life causes us to never end the killing, the murders, the everything sad?  Is it honorable to take an others life to save someone else?  Are we all not on the same planet with the same goals, goals of happiness and peace, goals of our family being safe and our God being honored?  Whose right is it to say who dies and who lives?  What makes God unable to do so?  Why cant we save without death?

Hero Of War

He said, "Son, 
Have you see the world?
Well, what would you say
If I said that you could?
Just carry this gun and you'll even get paid."
I said, "That sounds pretty good."

Black leather boots
Spit-shined so bright
They cut off my hair but it looked alright
We marched and we sang
We all became friends
As we learned how to fight

A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

I kicked in the door
I yelled my commands
The children, they cried
But I got my man
We took him away
A bag over his face
From his family and his friends

They took off his clothes
They pissed in his hands
I told them to stop
But then I joined in
We beat him with guns
And batons not just once
But again and again

A hero of war
Yeah that's what I'll be
And when I come home
They'll be damn proud of me
I'll carry this flag
To the grave if I must
Because it's flag that I love
And a flag that I trust

She walked through bullets and haze
I asked her to stop
I begged her to stay
But she pressed on
So I lifted my gun
And I fired away

And the shells jumped through the smoke
And into the sand
That the blood now had soaked
She collapsed with a flag in her hand
A flag white as snow

A hero of war
Is that what they see
Just medals and scars
So damn proud of me
And I brought home that flag
Now it gathers dust
But it's a flag that I love
It's the only flag I trust

He said, "Son, have you seen the world? Well what would you say, if I said that you could?"

Tears

In my attampt to bring an idea or in perventing something from happening I fear that I have only made it worse.  I tried to change things and people so that things I fear would not come about, but in my conviction and force I have only pushed harder to what I dont want.  I have had the opposite affect of what I wanted to do.  Now what?  Sit back and let people take their course?  How can I do that?  I cant just let things happen when I believe them to be wrong.  I am afraid.  I am so afraid.  I am losing.

My War

War is in our life.  It has affected everyone who has ever lived directly or indirectly.  There is no escaping its grasp... at least not the way we live now.  I myself do not believe in war.  Is that to say that I wont fight?  I probably would fight if I was called to do so and I saw no other way.  The key phrase being no other way.  I know that there are many examples of people who have fought that were good men.  Men like Moroni, Mormon, Ammon, Washington, and etc.  But they fought because they saw no other way.  And there is a key difference in these men then there are in everyone else.  They abhor wickedness.  They never wanted to fight, but they were dragged into it by their countries and the enemies countries.  I myself am not that good of a man.  I cannot deny that I get a "high" from the fight.  I do get feelings that I crave after.  I cannot help myself from doing so.  I am not as good a man as then men listed above, but unlike them I believe I have a choice in to fight or not to fight.  I have but one example of the harmful effects of war among many examples of how war is necessary.  In the Book of Mormon they have many many wars.  They fight and fight and fight.  It usually ends that the righteous people win the war and they are saved by the Lord their Redeemer, but that never saves them from another fight.  The people who would have destruction and war always come back and threaten the righteous, and if there is no one to bring destruction the righteous turn to themselves to supply the destruction and war.  The fighting never ceases in the stories.  They fight and fight and fight.  Most of the time the righteous do it for good.  They show that you can fight and remain with God.  I do not deny that.  However the fighting never ceases.  No one stops the fighting for good no matter how many people they kill.  The two nations that are written about in the Book of Mormon are the Jaradites and the Nephite/Lamanite nations.  Their wars continue and continue throughout the Book of Mormon.  The only way that we see the fighting to end in these nations is for everyone to die.  If we follow the examples of these two nations and never put an end to the bloodshed ,whether we are righteous or not, the inevitable outcome will surely come to pass and we will all perish.  We cannot let this happen again and agian as proven in history.  We must find some other way to "fight" wickedness.  We must or there is no hope of a better world.  No hope of a world where in we can dwell in peace with our God.

The examples I have given are ones based on my religion and therefore are subjective to what I believe.  The way I wrote is also poor, please see past that to the point of my entry.

Break Free

A journal entry dated March 3rd 2008---

Everytime I look back at my journal I see how much I've changes and what is different about me.  I want to learn and grow and live a fulfilled meaningful life.  I want to get married in the temple after a succesfull mission.  I want to go to college.  But I really dont know what I want to do after all this.  I was talking to Ariel (which happens every sunday) on the phone and she knows what she wants to do.  She knows so much about herself. I dont even know what I want to be when I grow up.  My thoughts are so discombobulated.  They have no order no plan they are random and sparatic and go in so many directions my concieous being had too hard of a time following the one that is best for me.  I do beleive I have discovered the correct path part way but even that has confined spaces with so many door always opening and closing.  But I have decided I need to learn about people and why and what they do.  I need to learn so many things that I dont know where to start.  So I have decided to simply start and take it from there.  You can see my handwriting changing from line to line.  I think it has something to do with my indecisiveness.  All I want is to be a great and wise person.  Is that a selfish request that will drag me down?  There are so many things going on that I don't know what I am going to do, because of all this I dont do anything.  I mean I do things but nothing of true significance.  Where is my brain taking me.  Where am I headed.  I almost wish that there was one river going one direction and I was in the middle on a boat, having no control but just flowing with everything below me.  But I fear If I was to let this happen then that river would inevitably turn into a water fall and I would fall to my impending doom.  What I need to do is fight the river flowing in one direction fight it with all my might and strength.  Get to the land and off the river and from this point create my own path.  My own means to the end.  One that will take me to the furthest reaches of my own ability.  A path so greatly diverse and unique that everything is new and amazing, everything is new and amazing, everything challenging yet atainable.  I need to break free of the worlds uniform slothfullness and willingness to accept and create my own way and own life my own everything.  But what should I do to begin this unmarked journey?  Sometimes I dream that I will be this great person that everyone will know and everyone will admire and look towards.  How do I become that man?  How do I become the man God put me on his earth to become.  How do I control all my emotions and desires and set them aside to become this person?  I really must know soon or all is lost.  All my thinking, all my trying, all of me  will be useless and meaningless unless I find that Kendall waiting to break free and take charge of who I am.  This person whom I know is down there waiting for his chance to shine, his chance to be seen and heard.  I see him everyonce in a while.  I see him come through to show me what is down there inside of me.  The courage that is waiting to break free and shape and form me to this great being.  I need to somehow reach down and find this relentless lion and let him go.

--

--

This is the exact way that I wrote in my journal.  It has all of the errors that were originally there.  There is a truth to originality, that I try to keep.  Everything isn't relevant, but I think that it all needs to be here.  It is still relevant to my life.

Whitney put me in a "Red" mood because of her songs.

"Peices"

I'm here again

A thousand miles away from you 
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own 
I've lost so much along the way 

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours 
I find everything I thought I lost before 
You call my name 
I come to you in pieces 
So you can make me whole

I've come undone 
But you make sense of who I am 
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours 
I find everything I thought I lost before 
You call my name 
I come to you in pieces 
So you can make me whole!

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours 
I find everything I thought I lost before 
You call my name 
I come to you in pieces 
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

"Already Over"

You never go
Your always here (suffocating me)
Under my skin
I cannot run away 
Fading slowly

I'd give it all to you 
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall 
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now

My best defense, running from you
I can't resist, take all you want from me
Breaking slowly 

I'd give it all to you 
Letting go of me 
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again
I know it's already over, already over now!

You're all I'm reaching for 
It's already over 
All I'm reaching for!
It's already over now

I'd give it all to you 
I offer up my soul
It's already over, already over now!

Give it all to you
Letting go of me
Reaching as I fall
I know it's already over now
Nothing left to lose
Loving you again!
I know it's already over now!
It's already over now!
I know it's already over, already over

"Break Me Down"

A long day alone
Emptiness is so real
Never having peace of mind
Running from what I can't see
And there is nowhere left to hide
Turn and face these empty eyes
All alone, heart untold
Trying to find

Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

I try to find myself
I find the stranger trapped inside
And I'll take one more step away
From the face I used to recognize
Familiar shadows closing in
Suffocating fear descends
It comes alive, uncovered eyes

I'm trying to find
Break me down replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Replace this fear inside
Take this nothingness from me
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down

Break me down
I want to find
I want to shine
I want to rise
Break me down [repeat]

Break me

"Gave It All Away"

You're here, trembling with fear
You made it clear
You turned your back and now you've gone astray 
Nothing left to say 
What's standing in your way?
You had the chance to never walk alone

But you gave it all away
When I needed you to stay 
Just open up your arms I need you here 
I can do this on my own 
I got nothing left to show 
Open up your arms I need you here!

Again, lying in your bed
Nightmares is in your head 
Facing all that you just threw away 
At the edge again
It's coming to an end 
You had the chance to never walk alone

But you gave it all away
When I needed you to stay 
Just open up your arms I need you here 
I can do this on my own 
I got nothing left to show 
Open up your arms I need you
I need you, here! Here!
I need you, here! Here!

You gave it all away
I needed you to stay 
Open up your arms I need you 

I can do this on my own
I got nothing left to show
Open up your arms I need you here
But you gave it all away
When I needed you to stay 
Just open up your arms I need you here 
I can do this on my own
I got nothing left to show
Open up your arms I need you here!

"Hide"

Waste away 
I'm crawling blind
Hollowed by what I left inside 
For you, just you 
I'm caught in place
But I ignore what I can't erase 

I will run and hide till memories fade away
And I will leave behind a love so strong

Close my eyes theses voices say 
Haunting me, I can't escape 
For you, just you 
Time will always wait 
While I throw away what I can't replace

I will run and hide till memories fade away 
And I will leave behind a love so strong [x2]

I will run and hide!
And I will leave behind!

I will run and hide till memories fade away 
And I will leave behind a love so strong!

---------------------------------------------

Thats all folks.  Dont take the lyrics to literal.  They are a bit deppressing but I think that they are real and thats why they appeal to me.

How It Ends

Hold your grandmother's bible to your breast

Gonna put it to the test

You wanted it to be blessed

And in your heart 

You know it to be true

You know what you gotta do

They all depend on you

And you already know

Yet you already know

How this will end

There is no escape

From the slave catcher's songs

For all of the loved ones gone

Forever's not so long

And in your soul

They poked a million holes

But you never let them show

Come on its time to go

And you already know

Yet you already know

How this will end

Now you've seen his face

And you know that there's a place in the sun

For all that you've done

For you and your children

No longer shall you need

You always wanted to believe

Just ask and you'll receive

Beyond your wildest dreams

And you already know

Yet you already know

How this will end

You already know 

You already know 

You already know

How this will end

Wasteland

Change my attempt good intentions

Crouched over

You were not there

Living in fear

But signs were not really that scarce

Obvious tears

But I will not

Hide you through this

I want you to help them

And please see

The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

-

Die, withdraw

Hide in cold sweat

Quivering lips

Ignore remorse

Naming a kid, living wasteland

This time you've tried

All that you can turning you red

-

Change my attempt good intentions

Should I, could I

Here we are with your obsession

Should I, could I

-

Crowned hopeless

The article read living wasteland

This time you've tried

All that you can turning you red but I will not

Hide you through this

I want you to help

-

Change my attempt good intentions

Should I, could I

-

Here we are with your obsession

Should I, could I

-

Heave the silver hollow sliver

Piercing through another victim

Turn and tremble be judgmental

Ignorant to all the symbols

Blind the face with beauty paste

Eventually you'll one day know

-

Change my attempt good intentions

Limbs tied, skin tight

Self inflicted his perdition

-

Should I, could I

Change my attempt good intentions

Should I, could I

Should I, could I

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Self inflicted his perdition. Should I, Could I?

Endless Night

Where has the starlight gone?

Dark is the day

How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream

Lost to the night

Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there

Whenever I needed you

Whenever I call your name

You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on

Just waiting to hear your voice

One word, just a word will do

To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break

Oh endless night

Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side

Guiding my path

Father, I can't find the way

You promised you'd be there

Whenever I needed you

Whenever I call your name

You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on

Just waiting to hear your voice

One word, just a word will do

To end this nightmare

I know that the night must end

And that the sun will rise

And that the sun will rise

I know that the clouds must clear

And that the sun will shine

And that the sun will shine

I know that the night must end

And that the sun will rise

And that the sun will rise

I know that the clouds must clear

And that the sun will shine

And that the sun will shine

I knowYes, I know

The sun will rise

Yes, I knowI know

The clouds must clear

I know that the night must end

I know that the sun will rise

And I'll hear your voice deep inside

I know that the night must end

And that the clouds must clear

The sun

The sun will rise

The sun

The sun will rise

---

When?

...

I don't know what I am going to put down today. Hence the absence of a real title, but I feel like writing because I have an interesting feeling in my chest that wont seem to dissipate. Well I cant think of anything that I wouldn't be embarrassed to put down, so I guess this is the extent of this blog.